The concept of friendship in buddhism

Fostering close and meaningful relationships is challenging in a diverse society

The Dhammapada is a resourceful guide on associating with the wise and avoiding the fools

Humans are inherently social creatures who require social interaction for their overall well-being. The human mind is a malleable entity susceptible to extraneous influences.  Therefore, being mindful of the people we spend time with is important, as they can strongly influence our thoughts, behaviours and actions. Surrounding ourselves with wise, cultured, and moral individuals can significantly enrich our lives. The circle of companions we associate with reflects much about our moral character. In essence, our circle of friends influences who we become. Therefore, reflecting on whether your companions elevate or bring you down is essential. Do they motivate you or discourage you?

Nurturing close and meaningful relationships can be challenging in a society composed of diverse individuals. Our success in both spiritual and mundane aspects of life often stems from the relationships we cultivate. Our moral character reflects not just who we are but also who our friends are, which plays a crucial role in our spiritual progress and evolution. Friends can profoundly impact the paths we take—either positively or negatively. Good friends support us on our spiritual journey.

The famous saying, “Tell me with whom you associate, and I will tell you who you are,” aptly encapsulates the essence of our social interactions and relationships. Our circle of friends significantly shapes our beliefs, behaviors, perceptions, and personal growth. Research has shown that our social networks can greatly affect our happiness, health and well-being.

Buddhism identifies two types of friends: kalyanamitta (good friend) and papamitta (bad friend). A good friend is characterised by his compassion and courage to speak the truth, even when it is difficult. He guides others on the correct path through proper teaching and helps practice that teaching. He also provides good companionship.  The Buddhist concept of Kalyanamitta applies to both monastic and household relationships. Kalyanamitta is also known as “admirable friend”, “virtuous friend”, “spiritual friend”, or “noble friend”.

In Sigalovada Sutta, Buddha enumerates four types of friends who can be regarded as warm-hearted and dear. (a) a friend who is a helper (upakara mitta); (b) a friend who is the same in prosperity and adversity, who does not forsake his friends when confronted with any problem and is prepared to sacrifice even for the sake of his friend. He provides unwavering support and encouragement during difficult times.  (samana sukha dukkha mitta). (c) a friend who gives good counsel and advice prevents him from committing evil acts, encourages him to do good, instructs him on profound matters, and shows him how to be virtuous. (atthakkhayi mitta), and compassionate friend (anukampaka mitta). 

Conversely, four characteristics of bad friend are identified in Buddhism as (a) person who takes from others, never gives anything in return; (b) a person who pays lip service by making empty promises, saying what he would in the future for one, when occasion arises for assistance he hesitates and retreat. (c) a person who flatters insincerely and approves misdeeds and praises one in his presence but speaks ill of him or maligns him in his absence (d) and a person who engages in activities that lead to one’s misfortune or loss of wealth. He is a companion when indulging in intoxicants and gambling. He is also a companion in sauntering streets at ungodly hours.

The Maha Mangala Sutta, also known as “The Discourse on Great Blessings,” highlights the importance of choosing our associates wisely. Among the 38 blessings that contribute to one’s advancement, the Buddha underscores the value of avoiding fools and seeking the company of the wise. The verse states: “Asevana ca balanam, panditananca sevana; Puja ca pujaneyyanam etam etam mangalamuttam”. The commentary explains that fools commit unwholesome actions in body, speech and mind, while the wise engage in wholesome actions and demonstrate moral development.

The Dhammapada, an inexhaustible source of guidance and spiritual insight, also offers invaluable lessons on associating with the wise and avoiding the foolish. It suggests that if one does not encounter someone better or equal on their path, one should continue resolutely alone, as there is no companionship with a fool. The Dhammapada describes the characteristics of a fool thus: “Long is the night for the sleepless. Long is the road for the weary, and long is samsara (the cycle of continued rebirth) for the foolish, who have not recognised the true teaching. A fool who recognises his ignorance is, in fact, a wise person, but a fool who believes himself wise is truly a fool. Even if a fool lives with a wise person all his life, he will still not recognise the truth, just as a wooden spoon cannot perceive the soup’s flavour”.

The Dhammapada further emphasises that a fool may perceive bad deeds as sweet like honey if they do not bear immediate consequences, but when these deeds bear fruit, he ultimately experiences suffering. 

Buddha repeatedly stressed the value of good friendship in many of his discourses. When Buddha was asked about the conditions necessary for awakening, he asserted that having admirable friends, companions, and colleagues was the first prerequisite for developing the wings to self-awakening.  According to Upaddha Sutta, when Buddha’s chief disciple wondered if having food friends is half of the spiritual life said to the Buddha, “This is half of the holy life, Lord: admirable friendship. admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie” Then, Buddha corrected him and replied, “Do not say so, Ananda; admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is the whole of the life” path. 

The fools are described in the Balapandita sutta thus: Suppose a fool is sitting in a council hall, a street, or a crossroad, where people are discussing what is proper and fitting. Suppose that a fool is someone who kills a living creature, steals, commits sexual misconduct, lies and uses alcoholic pills that cause negligence. Then that fool thinks, “These people are discussing what is proper and fitting. But those things are found in me, and I am seen in them” This is the first kind of suffering and sadness that a fool experiences in the present life. 

In the Pathama Mitta Sutta of the Anguttara Nikaya, the Buddha has discoursed that a friend endowed with the following qualities is worth associating with by any lay person who is looking for a friendship: (a) One who gives what is hard to give. (b) One does what is hard to do. (c) One who endures what is hard to endure. (d) One who reveals his secrets to his friend. (e). One who keeps the secrets of his friend. (f) One who does not abandon a friend who is faced with a misfortune. (g) One who does not look down when his friend is down. 

In the Vyagghapajja Sutta of the Anguttra Nikaya, the Buddha defined the four qualities that lead to one’s success and well-being. They are (1) Accomplishment of persistent effort  (utthana-sampada). (2) Accomplishment of vigilance on one’s possessions (arakkha sampada). (3) Spiritual friendship (kalyanamitta). (4) A balanced livelihood (sammajivikata)  

Psychological studies suggest that the more morally developed friends one has and the more time spent with them, the greater one’s happiness tends to be. Spending time with wholesome friends is especially beneficial for those experiencing anxiety or depression. It is the quality of the friendship that is important, not the quantity. Generally, the more friends you have and the more time you spend with them, the happier you are. We make all kinds of connections with the people around us throughout our lives. Some of them are positive relationships conducive to our happiness and overall well-being, while others can have negative effects on our mental being and overall health. 

Admirable friendship, as taught in Buddhism, can exist not only between peers but also in relationships such as those between husband and wife, parents and children, and employer and employee. 

In the context of a husband and wife, their relationship is more than just a social contract; it is a spiritual union and a deep friendship between two individuals. They can be admirable companions and best friends to one another. This marriage is a partnership founded on trust, love, mutual respect, and commitment, allowing them to support each other through life’s challenges. The bond between a husband and wife is unique and incomparable, encompassing a profound emotional connection.

Furthermore, an employer and employee can develop a true friendship, provided that clear professional boundaries are maintained. This helps avoid potential conflicts of interest and ensures fairness among employees. 

Similarly, a close and supportive relationship that shares many elements of true friendship can exist based on mutual respect, open communication and shared interests.  

Friendship benefits people’s lives in so many different ways. Generally, having a network of kalyana mitta or admirable friends helps us through bad times and makes navigating the ups and downs that life throws at us easier.

True friendship transcends cultural, religious and racial barriers. A strong bond of friendship can exist between people from different backgrounds, as a genuine connection is based on shared values and mutual respect. Recognising this fact, the United Nations General Assembly designated July 30th as the International Day of Friendship.