HOW HARD Should We Push A Child?

Teenage children in a home do not make for peace and harmony. Desperate parents try every known method of cajolement, terrorism or outright bribery to get their offspring to study. Threats versus pleas are a daily litany. Tuition is mandatory. Parents cannot get their children to sit in front of a book so they drag the child off to a tutor hoping vainly that something will work. It is my belief – nay – conviction that the entire solution lies with the parents themselves and not in random good fortune.

First of all one parent  (preferably a mother) must BE THERE on the spot when it is study time. Except for that VERY rare student who is self motivated and actually obeys the parental yell, “Sit down this minute and study,” the hearing skills of most offspring are extremely selective. In any case 99% of the kids will yell back “No homework today”, or “I’ve finished all my homework.” Blatant lying is the name of their game.

Obviously a working mother is disadvantaged because she can be tired at the end of a working day and cannot be bothered with something she feels can so clearly be handled alone. Alas this is not so. Young children, up to the teen years, like company. Unfortunately the assumption that they will study alone cannot be made until a student is in the A Level forms.. While the child is in the Lower School (up to Grade 6 or 7)) a parent MUST be present at times of study and homework. Even a working mother has to find the time to nab those cheerful little dodgers to whom the word ‘homework’ is an alien term. The bright side of the coin is that once the child is accustomed to sitting  down to study at given times, the mother’s supervision can taper off. But it will take at least 5 years of tough going (for the working mother that is.) For the non-working mother there is no excuse for not organising this schedule of study…..and remember NO child likes to study alone. He needs company. 

Except for that VERY rare student who is self motivated and actually obeys the parental yell, “Sit down this minute and study,” the hearing skills of most offspring are extremely selective. In any case 99% of the kids will yell back “No homework today”, or “I’ve finished all my homework.” Blatant lying is the name of their game

My own Principal mother would sit at the same table as myself and do her own school work. Fortunately her job allowed it to dovetail with my needs but most of the nine schools I attended did not demand that sort of personal attention from her to me. In the USA for example homework was not onerous.

Siblings studying together also helps when they are young but parental guidance needs to be ongoing. Whether a mother is guiding one child or three the modus operandi must be the same. She must be present during study time.

Banishing a child to a lonely desk is only possible when he is doing his A Levels, and even then the comforting presence of a mother helps. I personally recall that my own very busy mother sat with me while I was cramming at exam time. This was because she really did not have the time to do so and most of the time I was not in her orbit. Sittng with me was therefore not customary. But while I was at Bishop’s College doing my O Levels, she DID sit with me stopping me at 45 minute intervals for a cup of cocoa or just a 5 minute chat.

So by all means push when the child is young by actually working out sums, helping to neaten map drawings, aiding memorization in whatever needs to be memorized, checking to see that what the child has been studying has been properly learnt and making quite sure the day’s work has been completed. All this takes time but I find in my years of  teaching and running a school that, except for the highly competitive parents, it is not a programme most mothers will follow.

Harassed teachers find that children do not even pack their bags properly. They come to school minus text books, minus pens and pencils, minus most necessities except for the bottle of water and their snack. In truth they would forget themselves if they could. Homework is done haphazardly or not at all, No actual studying has taken place. The carefully explained lesson of yesterday has been quite forgotten by today as it has not been ’ learnt’ at home. A PUSH is needed here! At the other end of the spectrum is the child whose mother (or father) checks everything. The marks the child receives for a class test are analysed as minutely as if it were his promotion test grades. The child’s homework is done perfectly. The notebooks are visions of neatness and orderliness. The schoolbags are packed the night before and the child can sleep secure in the knowledge that he/she is thoroughly prepared for the day ahead.

This is ideal scenario is it not? One little ingredient has been left out - namely – fun. Does the child enjoy the whole process even if the end results in perfection? This again TOTALLY depends on the intelligent approach of the parent who has to make the whole two hours of preparation enjoyable. It is not easy to make study enjoyable but a shared study program with a parent sitting by can be a greatly satisfying experience for both parent and child. It has to be a daily affair. Times can be juggled to suit parental needs but the programme of study must be operative.

In truth they would forget themselves if they could. Homework is done haphazardly or not at all, No actual studying has taken place. The carefully explained lesson of yesterday has been quite forgotten by today as it has not been  'learnt’ at home.

At this point I need to mention a type of parent who does the child more harm than good with over-attention to marks and constant comparison with other children in the class. I certainly do not advocate such zealousness.

To make school life interesting I used all kinds of innovations not on usual school agendas. One was to invite well known personalities to give talks at Assembly to the students of Asian International School every fortnight or so. Among the speakers I recall some who responded to our invitation. Dian Gomes of the Boxing Federation who spoke on boxing was one| (The boys loved it.) Ray Wijewardena who was a total Renaissance Man was another who, as may be imagined, covered a spectrum of subjects, Columnist , Ilika Karunaratne, spoke of the challenges of being the wife of a Govt. Minister in which capacity she had been chosen to act as guide to Prince Phillip who was visiting Sri Lanka. Then I remember Indian High Commissioner, Thomas Abraham, whose daily programme mightily interested those who wanted to join the DPL service. As far as possible I chose speakers whose careers would motivate students to follow them.

There are myriad ways in which study can be made captivating. Principals can use their imaginations to do this ….specially in Private Schools where they have the authority to do so. So to conclude I would say that ‘Pushing’ your child need not make you a ‘Pushy’ parent but it can certainly help to make you a COMPETENT, one done the sensible way.

This is ideal scenario is it not? One little ingredient has been left out - namely – fun. Does the child enjoy the whole process even if the end results in perfection? This again TOTALLY depends on the intelligent approach of the parent who has to make the whole two hours of preparation enjoyable