A Bold Look at Marriage and Gender: Love and Women by Nanda Pethiyagoda

• This book focuses on marriage, gender roles, and communication in Sri Lanka
• The author explores love and passion in relationships while blending it with Eastern Wisdom
• Multiple accounts on women’s experience with relationships are highlighted in the book
• The book is an important contribution to the discussion of gender and marriage in Sri Lanka
• The book’s strength lies in its raw, unfiltered accounts. Many stories reveal the harsh realities of marriage

Nanda Pethiyagoda’s latest publication, Love & Women: Personal Narratives,offers a thought-provoking exploration of marriage, gender roles, and communication in Sri Lanka. Through her compiled and edited collection of real-life narratives from nine women of diverse backgrounds, personal struggles, societal expectations, and the often-overlooked emotional toll of relationships are examined. 

Nanda Pethiyagoda’s latest publication, Love & Women: Personal Narratives

Divided into three sections—Never Married, Married But…, and Happily Married— The Compiling Editor Pethiyagoda explores love, passion, blending Eastern wisdom, quoting Lao Tzu (500 BC), with Western literary figures like John Donne, Shakespeare, and O’ Henry’s A Service of Love offering a comprehensive study of Sri Lankan women’s plight.

In Nanda’s tracing of love and passion in the island’s history in her Foreword, she reflects on Vijaya–Kuweni, Dutugemunu, and Saliya–Asokamala. The reviewer notes an unintentional reinforcement of her theme, categorised under the three subheadings: Vijaya and Kuweni align with Never Married; Prince Dutugemunu and Ranmenika with Married But…—(as folklore alleges he betrayed and abandoned Ranmenika of Kotmale along with their child); while Saliya and Asokamala’s unwavering devotion embodies Happily Married.

The book’s strength lies in its raw, unfiltered accounts. Many stories reveal the harsh realities of marriage—abusive relationships, gendered power imbalances, and the emotional exhaustion of trying to meet societal expectations. Yet, there are also stories of resilience. Some single women express contentment in their independence, highlighting the shifting perceptions of marriage in Sri Lanka. One Never Married Woman writes:

“…I am well in my middle years! One notices how less and less men look at you, and if they look, there is no glint in their eyes, no suggestiveness. Only professional glances and business looks!… However, my husbandless and childless life has its compensation: no worry about a husband drinking too much or chasing skirts; no palpitations about a son going astray; no pangs of a daughter suffering through love.”

These narratives challenge the belief that marriage is essential for a fulfilling life, instead highlighting the peace found in independence and urging readers to question rigid societal norms. With diverse perspectives from different generations and backgrounds, the discussion is enriched. Pethiyagoda also explores how communication, or its breakdown, shapes relationships, delving into verbal and non-verbal exchanges, conflict resolution, and gendered expectations. The book’s candid style offers an eye-opening look at how ingrained social norms influence both love and suffering. One striking story from the, ‘Married But…’ section highlights a woman’s experience with verbal and emotional abuse in a toxic marriage:

“This is a far cry from my husband’s command, ‘Shut your mouth, you bloody bitch!’ Mind you, I was no shrinking violet. I learned to give as well as I got, verbally. In developing my survival strategy, I imbibed all the words he used on me. Many a time, he raised his hands threateningly, and I would have threatened to ‘kick his b....’ if he did not lower his hand. But, of course, I never carried out my threat!”

These testimonies expose the power struggles within marriages, revealing the suffering many women endure while highlighting their strength and survival instincts. Pethiyagoda’s inclusion of these unfiltered stories adds to the book’s raw honesty, ensuring these voices are heard. However, Love and Women also confronts darker realities. Many accounts expose systemic injustices that have denied women education, autonomy, and the freedom to choose their own paths. Some were forced into marriages driven by survival and social respectability, not love. One passage illustrates this when a woman trapped in an unhappy marriage reflects on her fate.

 “I felt like a caged bird, suffocating in a life that was not mine. But there was no escape, no door opens to me. My father had made his choice for me, and I had no say in the matter. I spent my days fulfilling my duties, my nights longing for a freedom I would never taste”.

These heartbreaking stories underscore the enduring effects of patriarchal oppression and male chauvinism, making Love and Women a vital read for advocates of gender equality. While offering valuable insights, the book has limitations. It focuses heavily on women’s struggles, often portraying men as aggressors or emotionally distant. A more balanced approach, including male perspectives or evolving gender roles, would have added depth. Some narratives feel repetitive, reinforcing similar themes without much variation.

Despite these minor flaws, Love and Women is an important contribution to the discussion of gender and marriage in Sri Lanka. It is essential reading for those seeking to understand how tradition, communication, and societal pressures shape women’s lives. While a more balanced discussion of gender dynamics would have been beneficial, its raw stories challenge society to rethink rigid expectations. Through the powerful voices of its contributors, the book calls for a world where women’s voices are heard, respected, and valued—both in marriage and beyond.

Told anonymously, these narratives expose the realities of marriage, divorce, and singlehood in a culture where open discussions about gender dynamics remain rare. In Nanda’s own words, “a book of biographical essays and stories written by women of… the women in these stories continued to grow; they are strong, capable, independent and became successful in many ways despite eternal romantic love eluding them”.

Each contributor offers a unique perspective on love—the supreme phenomenon of love that has been analysed throughout human history by creative writers, intellectuals and philosophers without ever arriving at a definitive definition. From the reviewer’s standpoint, love is merely the excitement sparked by sexual arousal and the early stages of foreplay. Love leading to physical union marks the first step in stimulation, a natural trick to ensure the continuation of the species.

Published by Sailfish, an imprint of Perera-Hussein Publishing House, the elegant yet striking cover design visually captures the book’s bold exploration of gender dynamics. A must-read for every young woman, it features top-quality printing and stands out as both an engaging read and a valuable contribution to Sri Lankan literary discussions on gender and marriage. 

Priced at Rs 1750/-, this non-fiction book is available at most bookshops.